Remembering I'm Human

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my mental health and have found this affirmation helpful:

Instead of using my energy to focus on everything that I’m not, I will use it to focus on everything that I am.

When I became a parent, I reflected on past trauma I experienced and said to myself, “I’ll never do that to my kids”.

I’ve worked so freaking hard to change and heal. But there are still moments where I revert back to my “learned” ways. It's almost always when I've stretched myself so thin that I'm completely burnt out and emotionally fried, and I feel like I can’t control my behaviour. 

The guilt and disappointment I experience after I act in ways that I said I never would makes me depressed. I feel shame that I've repeated the pattern that I so desperately want to stop. I hate myself. I feel worthless and alone.

When this happens, I get into a dark mental space that's hard to get out of. I struggle to find gratitude for anything. I’m exhausted and want to hide from the world. The gloomy, torrential rain this time of year doesn’t help either!

Thankfully, my kids help me move forward. I find the energy to support them because they need me. Their hugs, smiles and forgiveness help me see some light again. With time, I come to terms with the fact that what is done is done. I stay committed to working on myself, and remind myself that I’m human and will make mistakes. 

I shared my feelings with a couple of health professionals and friends, and I’m starting to feel back on track. For me, internalizing how I feel and isolating myself is the most destructive part of my depression cycle.

We’ve all heard, “talk to yourself the way you would to a friend”, but it’s not always that easy. If you’re feeling low, my advice is talk to someone you trust, so their words can comfort you. This time of year can be extremely difficult for many reasons. 

I’m here if you need me.

❤️Nicole